Wednesday, April 25, 2012

descending.

Jeremy said to watch this movie that he liked
and because I'm his daughters' godfather
I did.

four and a half years ago,
I watched my grandmother die
in a stuffy hospital
and I wrote about that, too
before making up a bunch of shit
about what happened later

but in the movie
there was this one scene
where a character
who has no obligation to do so
says
"I forgive you."
over and over

and I needed to hear that
repeated through the mouth
of someone that I adore
who's been on my two favorite shows
and who somehow knows how to reach me

and she did,
leaving me in fits of sobs
harder than anything
since my grandmother exhaled her last breath

since those labored inhalations
turned into the beep of the heart monitor
that told us she was dead
before the doctor pronounced officially what we all already knew,
thanks.

but tonight
for some reason
this all hit me hurricane-hard

my favorite comic has two characters
who got married at the drop of a (literal) hat
and who
due to the ancient tradition of their homeland
can get divorced by simply saying
"I divorce you"
three times
do so, and end the book alone

so
in accordance with that
let me say,
as humbly and graciously and lovingly and regretfully as possible:

I forgive you
I forgive you
I forgive you
for every one of those horrible lies you told me
about him.

and I hope you'll watch that movie
when you're falling asleep,
dreaming of better days

but baby
that's how we get energized
and that's how we're down to pay for it
so grant me some indulgences

because I've been mostly dying
and I've been mostly coughing
and I've been mostly crying

and I've been thinking about both crosses.