Sunday, October 9, 2011

October 2010.

this girl and I had gone to an eels concert
(it was our fourth date)
and while we had known each other for a while
it wasn't until a week later
when I saw what she was made of
and decided I was better off alone.

this is a decision I've made a lot lately
but
specifically
not because of any shortcomings
nothing lacking from those who would do otherwise to "change" it
but just because it wasn't really--
what's the word
--perfect.

I wondered if maybe my standards were too high.
and perhaps they were
(are)
but I kept them all the same.

and
literally
the day that I decided I deserved more
"I met someone."

she was wonderful.
and I wrote about her pretty regularly
especially after something wonderful happened
but it ended.

and it's my fault, of course
(it always seems to be)
but
regardless
it just wasn't right.

one person in a relationship needs to be The Sad One
and the other person in a relationship is The Happy One
but one single relationship
cannot possibly handle
two of The Sad Ones

so we broke apart.

we had talked about living together
(even found an incredible apartment)
and her dog would've become our dog
while my TV played both of our shows
(as you can imagine
I had many more than she did)
but it would've been nice.

quiet and nice.

but I had to stop it
because my brain wasn't settled in itself
let alone in someone else

and now
all I do
day in, day out
(night in, night out)
is think about you
and wonder where you are
what part of the city you're in
(I've been there several times)

and what you sleep like
now that you're unburdened
by someone else

and if me being there
might disturb that

because
if memory serves
I've never seen anything as beautiful
as you trying to welcome in a tomorrow
through a sound slumber
and holding me saran wrap-tight
all the while.

I'll listen to your favorite song tonight
in your honor

because how
could I not remember it?

I hope that
wherever you are
the person who is now making you smile
has earned every last grin
and even though I don't smile much
I hope you know

that the little ones
are enjoying the books that you gave them
and I am enjoying
reading to them.

you didn't deserve better than me
but you did deserve different
and I hope you found it.

and
no matter what
I'm gonna do whatever I can
to keep away anyone
who deserves better
or
until I'm better.

start that countdown.

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