in preparation for theology school,
i've been reading a lot of religion blogs.
one of my favorites talked about something fascinating.
Augustine and Aquinas, two of my favorites
talked about the "just war theory,"
the circumstances in which violence
a clearly anti-Christian concept
can be used for good
allowing some to fight their neighbor
without ceasing to love them, as per the words of Christ.
the author posited an additional meaning:
the idea that you can love something and need to destroy it at the same time.
and i wonder sometimes
if letting you get away with it--
all of it--
was the best way to protect you.
maybe i should've let you be fed to the dogs
so you would've seen how cruel
what you were doing was.
but i think you knew
and just didn't really care
your whole life
you've been sheltered from actual consequence
i kept you safe
and let you live
to destroy homes another day.
i will never forgive myself
for letting you keep going down that path
the road that destroyed lives
when i could've
i thought i was doing the right thing.
i prayed for understanding
i asked my mom for council
i asked Nic what the right thing to do was.
(after a long pause:
"hell if i know, dude.")
i think that whatever choice i made
would've made me feel like absolute hell
so i picked delay over destruction
and hoped you would desist
but instead you just deferred
and i misunderstood the division between justice and punishment.
even now, you continue to do it
(yes, i saw the two of you the other day
and i guess you don't have to hide anymore
now that his wife and daughter know)
from now on
i swear to you
all of you
that i will do only justice
and let the heavens fall.
i've scarred myself
so i will never forget
what i let you do.