Sunday, May 22, 2011

tattooed, vol. 3

in preparation for theology school,
i've been reading a lot of religion blogs.

one of my favorites talked about something fascinating.

Augustine and Aquinas, two of my favorites
(among others)
talked about the "just war theory,"
the circumstances in which violence
a clearly anti-Christian concept
can be used for good
allowing some to fight their neighbor
without ceasing to love them, as per the words of Christ.

the author posited an additional meaning:
the idea that you can love something and need to destroy it at the same time.

and i wonder sometimes
if letting you get away with it--
all of it--
was the best way to protect you.
maybe i should've let you be fed to the dogs
so you would've seen how cruel
what you were doing was.

but i think you knew
and just didn't really care
your whole life
you've been sheltered from actual consequence
by people
like me
who cared.

but instead:
i kept you safe
and let you live
to destroy homes another day.

i will never forgive myself
for letting you keep going down that path
the road that destroyed lives
when i could've
stopped you.

i thought i was doing the right thing.
i prayed for understanding
i asked my mom for council
i asked Nic what the right thing to do was.
(after a long pause:
"hell if i know, dude.")

i think that whatever choice i made
would've made me feel like absolute hell
so i picked delay over destruction
and hoped you would desist
but instead you just deferred
and i misunderstood the division between justice and punishment.

even now, you continue to do it
(yes, i saw the two of you the other day
and i guess you don't have to hide anymore
now that his wife and daughter know)

from now on
i swear to you
all of you

that i will do only justice
and let the heavens fall.

i've scarred myself
so i will never forget
what i let you do.