Sunday, September 27, 2009

Dove cuesto, mi dolce?

Mine is a humble blog of emotional self-flagellation, neurotic debasement, and a persona of romantic drunkenness that I only sometimes really wish I had the constitution for. And the realities of both myself and my life, such as it is, have come into a stark focus over the last year, and an even starker one over the last two months.

The way that we are so often told that grace under pressure (to use Hemingway's parlance) or any related sentiment is the only true way by which a person's character can be judged, let me simply say that the pressure has been mine and the grace has been yours. All of yours. I look around and see the people with whom I am surrounded and I am overwhelmed by--well, by how much better you are than the people that surround so many that I know.

I have a network of support that's a push of a button away. And this is true support: I refuse to confuse (good rhyme, eh?) support with cruelty, as so many less fortunate than me are often conditioned to do, and I do not think I could be more grateful than I am.

Some of you are privy to the exposition that most of these writings only glances over, and the fact that, despite my missteps, which are, to be fair, legion, being so frequently joined in either presence or spirit by so many of you, by your kindness and your decency, by your warmth and your compassion, by your beauty and sweetness, is so incredible, especially when I consider what other people have to face with so many of the small, twisted people by their sides.

This may sound like a screed against some particular group of someone else's friends/family/whatever, but that is not the case. Like Nick Cave said (and like I've quoted more than once before), it's beauty that is going to save the world now, and I hereby stand by my previously wavering pledge to seek only it out, to settle for nothing less than that which we are all seeking.

And this is probably coming off maudlin, which is fine. I'm feeling maudlin. I'm feeling overarticulate and it's inconsequential to the gratitude that I have for you. For all of you.

Tonight, I sing of old friends, new friends, close friends, gonna-be-close friends, hope-to-be-close friends, old friends made new, new friends made old, lovers made friends, friends made lovers, and the rare, particular ability that people have to drop away for years at a time, only to find you further down the road when you need them most.

None of you could know how important you are to me. Thank you for giving me that.

For you:

The pictures are a little heavy-handed and not all of them fit the song, but if a gun was put to my head and I was forced to pick the most beautiful piece of music I had ever heard or would surely ever hear, I think it would be that. I hope you get even a fraction of what I get from it.


martha said...

that is a lovely song. i approve.

and that...was a good thank you.


Citizen Andy said...

You're right. About everything.

Especially about how I'm so much better than everyone else.

Caitie said...'re great